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I honestly wonder...

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I honestly wonder...

Post by WielderOfThorn on 31st October 2014, 12:49 am


Why I'm still alive. I've nearly died twice now, I wonder why those weren't the times. Obviously, I am just not even worth it to be here, I have no value. Unless you count having people throw money at you so you'll leave them alone, "value". I feel I have made so many mistakes, and that's very true. I'm also a very unlucky person, especially socially. And then I try asking people for help, they don't understand a fucking thing. So, if they won't understand and/or care, I don't care about talking to them about it. Sadly, now I'm just wondering if I'll die soon, and hoping  I will. Though I'd never harm my self or try to take my own life. Which just makes me more upset, I think.
I've been told I have possible Bipolar Disorder (Manic-depressive), but I don't believe it. I can honestly relate to the dramatic mood changes though. Either way, if it is true, it means I can seem like the happiest person in the world but be completely dead on the inside, and no one would ever notice, or they'd think I'm just crazy. And I don't want people thinking I'm a horrible person anymore.
Either way, if it is indeed true.. I don't really pay attention to myself.... these are the symptoms.

Depressive -
Decreased appetite and/or weight loss, or overeating and weight gain
Difficulty concentrating, remembering, and making decisions
Fatigue, decreased energy, being "slowed down"
Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, helplessness
Feelings of hopelessness, pessimism
Insomnia, early-morning awakening, or oversleeping
Loss of interest or pleasure in hobbies and activities that were once enjoyed, including sex
Persistent physical symptoms that do not respond to treatment, such as headaches, digestive disorders, and chronic pain
Persistently sad, anxious, or "empty" moods
Restlessness, irritability
Thoughts of death or suicide, suicide attempts

Mania -
Disconnected and very fast (racing) thoughts
Grandiose beliefs
Inappropriate elation or euphoria
Inappropriate irritability
Inappropriate social behavior
Increased sexual desire
Increased talking speed or volume
Markedly increased energy
Poor judgment
A decreased need for sleep due to high energy

So.. anyways, recently I've been having recurring dreams... I never want to sleep, and when I do, I have a very hard time waking up. It's miserable. I guess I do deserve all the mean words and isolation though, that are even tearing me apart now. So I guess I'm  not a good person at all, and I know soon I'll just be laughing at random things and acting like everything's ok when it's obviously not.
Honestly, what a weird person I am. Always having the weirdest and most disturbing thoughts, and since a very early age just hearing the words "I love you" (appears to only be a problem with English) make me very hateful.
I just don't know what to do anymore.
I feel betrayed again, all through out my life.
I posted that goodbye message on AM, and only 1 person responded. (Though AM is definitely NOT as active as it used to be)
But I am really happy for Spence's kind words.
I just don't know what I'm wanting (well that's stupid, I know very well what I'm wanting)..
The truth is,  I just want to be in a place more calming/comforting, people aren't bothering me, with anyone who could love me. Because really, would there even be such a place? I've searched for so long, and even to this day, I'm still searching for that place, though I will never probably find it since no matter how simple that seems, it is still a high expectation.
I'm still around, just miserable, and breaking apart the less words I have directed at me.
I don't even feel like I'm existing, and I never believed I've existed in the first place.
And I don't believe using Bipolar Disorder as an excuse for any of your actions is ok, but I'm hoping people may  somewhat  understand better now... though I'm scared they'll just hate me instead.
I just really want love right now, and I know I'm not getting it, and that's why everything is horrible.
So yeah,  to the person saying that I honestly don't matter to anyone - Yeah, I know that. I know that very well, and if I were to even die, no one would mourn or remember me. But I don't want to think of that.
I still doubt  I'd harm anyone or myself though.
1. harming others just makes you seem even more of an enemy,
2. hurting yourself accomplishes nothing. No one can get to know you and help you if you are dead.
And to the person telling me to not look for comfort on the internet and go talk to people who actually care... who would that be? My grandma is dead, she was the nicest person IRL, and the one who loved me the most IRL.
I'm just sorry to everyone, and I really do mean it. I didn't have much problems years ago, but my whole point-of-view of everything has changed completely.. which is also scary.
Hearing some words, just changed my entire view point. Completely. And in such short time.. this year is a mess.
~Yandelenka

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Re: I honestly wonder...

Post by Amano Saya on 2nd November 2014, 4:19 pm

ha~ahhhh~... everything you've stated... actually leads me to one certain diagnosis
YOU'RE A TEEN >.>
so it's completely normal...
that's why I've said many times you need more friends outside of the internet... geez...
watching other kids your age, you'd easily understood that there are lots of them just like you >.>
that you're not the only one, there are many >.>
it's pretty much a shame you've spent so much time on the internet, not having real relationships >.> it's hard, but it's still can be fixed, so yeah...
not to mention, these kinds of thoughts will only lead you to a further despair, and only bring misfortune to yourself... think positive and more positive things would happen to you
"happiness comes to those who're not despair" remember this well

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Re: I honestly wonder...

Post by WielderOfThorn on 2nd November 2014, 4:23 pm

Hokaze Akira wrote:ha~ahhhh~... everything you've stated... actually leads me to one certain diagnosis
YOU'RE A TEEN >.>
so it's completely normal...
that's why I've said many times you need more friends outside of the internet... geez...
watching other kids your age, you'd easily understood that there are lots of them just like you >.>
that you're not the only one, there are many >.>
it's pretty much a shame you've spent so much time on the internet, not having real relationships >.> it's hard, but it's still can be fixed, so yeah...
not to mention, these kinds of thoughts will only lead you to a further despair, and only bring misfortune to yourself... think positive and more positive things would happen to you
"happiness comes to those who're not despair" remember this well

Well yep, it's true enough o: Just not helpful when the doctors just decide to throw around words and not actually help.
Either way, it just felt good to get it out of my system o:
Morning btw XD

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Re: I honestly wonder...

Post by Amano Saya on 2nd November 2014, 4:31 pm

take me for example, I joined a group of same idiots I was, and here I am, I'm cured XD well, mostly XD

yup, morning XD

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Re: I honestly wonder...

Post by WielderOfThorn on 2nd November 2014, 4:34 pm


Well yep, and you have been through a lot I'd say o:
I was just always told to have a "what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger" point of view.

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Re: I honestly wonder...

Post by Amano Saya on 2nd November 2014, 4:38 pm

yeah, but that applies to many things, and unless you experience them, you won't be able to understand your own state of mind, or understand your own desires >.>

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Re: I honestly wonder...

Post by WielderOfThorn on 2nd November 2014, 4:42 pm


Well true, and it's quite obvious I'm confused with my life XD I mean it was just in April or so I got a really large realization of everything XD

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Re: I honestly wonder...

Post by Amano Saya on 2nd November 2014, 4:47 pm

and no wonder that once it hits you in the head you feel confused >.>
it happens pretty much to anyone >.>

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Re: I honestly wonder...

Post by WielderOfThorn on 2nd November 2014, 4:54 pm


Well, yep o: But isolation in its own never helped anyone XD
But I'd have to work towards fixing that XD

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Re: I honestly wonder...

Post by Amano Saya on 2nd November 2014, 5:04 pm

true enough, by just complaining about the situation, the situation won't be resolved by itself =o it should be worked on

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Re: I honestly wonder...

Post by WielderOfThorn on 2nd November 2014, 5:07 pm


Well, yeah o:
Like you can complain about the weather being hot but it doesn't make it any colder.

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Re: I honestly wonder...

Post by Amano Saya on 2nd November 2014, 5:08 pm

in fact, on the contrary it makes it even more hot >.>

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Re: I honestly wonder...

Post by WielderOfThorn on 2nd November 2014, 5:17 pm


Indeed XD So it's always good to see the best of things ^^

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Re: I honestly wonder...

Post by Amano Saya on 2nd November 2014, 5:19 pm

yup, something like... it's hot... but at least I'm not cold =o

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Re: I honestly wonder...

Post by WielderOfThorn on 2nd November 2014, 5:32 pm


Indeed, and that's the best way to look at things o:

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Re: I honestly wonder...

Post by Amano Saya on 2nd November 2014, 5:42 pm

yup, that's how it is =o

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