Reviewing our first banned member´s fanfictions and OC

As many of you know a really annoying member had randomly joined our forums, he seemed to have the sole intent of flirting with all the girls on it.
Here was his OC sheet, and my comments are bolded and in crimson. I don´t know what he was thinking with this one, if at all. He missed the point entirely.

Name: Tsuko Aiko
And... already there is a problem here. That is an impossible name to have in Japan. Tsuko is apparently the last name and Aiko is apparently the first. He said it means "love child of the moon", which it doesn´t.
I guess with Tsuko he was aiming for "Tsukino". Tsukino DOES mean "of the moon", Tsuko doesn´t and means nothing as far as I know.
Now... no male in Japan would have the name Aiko. That is a strictly feminine name.
I thought this self proclaimed genius on all things Japan would have known that.
Airo is the closest you can get, and even then, it isn´t a name. Ro is a suffix for son, and it was generally what they would use instead of Ko.

Nickname: Yuugo
I don´t get this, but it probably has something to do with Yu-Gi-Oh knowing Aiko´s obsession with it.
Age: 18
Birthday: 1996/8/jan
Gender: Male
Height: 5'6"
Weight: 138 lbs
Sexual Orientation: Straight
Relationship Status: Single
Okay.
Ethnicity: Power = Friends and trust
What? Why did you leave Ethnicity out? And why did you insert Power? Not to mention that is a very lame power.
Race: Vampire
Part-time/Full time (if any): never got hired
No comments.

Appearance
Build: Semi Buff
Okay.
Hair: Black fire (like fire but with blacks and purples)
Now that´s what I call edgy!
Eyes: varies on energy around him
No. Just no. This is the most common mary sue / gary stu trait ever. There ARE heterochromatic eyes ( I have them) but the colour never strays from its original shade. Your eyes cannot change colour for that reason, and not to any colour you want. This is illogical.
Casual Clothing: sleeveless black shirt with red jacket and red pants
Work Clothing:
Okay.
Identifying Marks: Has a deep red signer mark on his arm that is the shape of a dragon head
Great job apparently inserting Yu-Gi-Oh into something that has nothing to do with it.
Overall Appearance: Seemingly angry but is actually one of the nicest people you could ever meet
Really bland. Besides, it´s really hard for someone to be "one of the nicest people you could ever meet".
Picture (optional):

Personality
Likes: Anime, video games, and riding his D~Wheel
Self inserting I guess.
Dislikes: racism, and anyone whom are evil in any way
Okay, but we won´t have racism in this world? And who appointed him judge of all the good and evil in this world?
Fears: his dark twin in the world
Ahahahahahaha.
Goals: To bring peace after killing his evil twin brother
Ahahahahahahahahhaa we don´t care about your OC that much, man. Great godmod.
Self Esteem Level: average
Okay.
Power: varries on emotion and surroundings
Fair enough on emotion, surroundings should have really been clarified... but I assume it´s some gary stu shit.
Skills/Strengths: Hand to Hand combat
Okay, I guess. At least he doesn´t have the "ULTIMATE SWORD OF DOOM!". But this isn´t really what we had in mind.
Weaknesses: Chocolate cake (no so much weakness but give him cake, he is basically your slave)
Of fucking course our precious little gary stu can´t have a weakness, now can he? Also why did we need this information.
Overall Personality: really kind and pure hearted
More like a neckbeard and whiteknight

Background:
Parents/Guardians: n/a
Siblings: n/a
Of course.
Significant Other: looking for one
And here his purpose of joining the forum becomes obvious.
Place of birth: Heavens Peak
This isn´t in our world
History: Not much is known but he is part of an old tribe of ancient america
We are still debating whether or not to include the "real world" in our world, so this was way too premature.

Random Info: like pretty and nice girls
Yes, this is completely random and not necessary or appropriate information. What the hell do you think this is, your personal harem anime? Also, sorry bro, but I´m a man, I´m not pretty, and nice is subjective. I´m also pretty sure my fellow moderation team wouldn´t appreciate you going full pervert on them. Now stop messing with us.
~Torvid

Now to review his really terrible fanfictions. So yeah, I decided to kill my brain cells and drain all my IQ critiquing this piece of crap.
It definitely won´t be a nice critique, but the guy has been an absolute asshole to me, so I don´t really care THAT much.
Let´s just get this over with, shall we?


PROLOGUE
Night sky is clear; scarlet and silver stars break across the night as the cool night breeze blows on by peacefully as the only male at the Hakurei Shrine with no one around...
Holy mother of run on sentences. The grammar in this story will be shit. I think you can tell that already.
Also, just a tip - adding in the background / weather as a starting sentence is a cliche. You can do it, but it doesn´t change the fact that it´s a cliche. Just a minor nitpick compared to the rest of this. He can´t really pull this cliche off.
Only male? Oh joy. This entire sentence is really bad. There are males in Gensokyo, maybe not at the Hakurei Shrine, but they exist.
This entire sentence just can´t work, and I won´t rewrite it for you. However, you could have said something like "There was a lone male standing at the Hakurei Shrine." or something.

so he thought and he was looking around seeing where he was...

So he thought? You should have probably added an "or" before that.
Not commenting on the grammar anymore, it would be way too hard considering it doesn´t get better.


but did not know how he got here but does know he is destined here

Yeah, okay. Sometimes I end up randomly thrown into a fictional world, too.


then he mumbles out loud with peaceful sorrow "I know that I traveled beyond the human realm, but I can only have come here if someone opened a path for me here... but I do not see anyone"


Peaceful sorrow?  




at that moment he hears foot steps coming his way so in fear he turns around only to see a vampire girl in a magenta coloured top and skirt with a red silk ribbon/bow on her back being worn as a belt with a hat is the same colour, light blue hear with light purple tint and scarlet eyes standing about my height standing about 2 feet away smiling.

I told you this wouldn´t get better.


"Who are you and why and I here" asked the teenage boy vary brokenly as he was looking to make sure there was no weapons on her by skimming her quickly with his eyes.

Haven´t you ever heard of concealed weapons? A brief skim won´t tell you that.


"huehuehue" chuckled the cute vampire girl
Inserting dank memes doesn´t make your story better. As a matter of fact, it
automatically makes it rubbish.

and followed in swiftly with "I am the Vampire Queen and Eternal Scarlet Moon: Remilia Scarlet and as for summoning you here; hehehe; I have been watching you"
Why the hell would Remilia give a fuck about this guy. This is never explained.
You know why? Because there is NO explanation.

and with that the boy was lost. "Please explain" he inquired seeking a straight answer.
I think we all want an answer.

Remilia Started laughing hysterically.
Does she kill him? Please tell me she does.

"What?" he exclaimed. Remilia snapping back from her laughter responded with more seriousness "I have been watching you struggle to find a peaceful home and destiny, so to cheer you up I summoned you here, besides I sense great potential in you"
That is so out of character for Remilia. I highly doubt she would summon a random human to Gensokyo for that.

suddenly Remilia stabs him with something as if she wanted to kill him.
Please do it, Remilia.

Overcome with shock and now coughing blood and bleeding erratically from his chest studdering "W...w.. why?"
Because you´re a Gary Stu?

then she said "Ssshhh, I promise you wont die, but I need to dim your life force so you won't be noticed".
Aw, damn it.

Dawn now starting and the cool breeze kicks up Remilia grabs him as he passes out from blood loss and tosses him over her should and flies quickly towards the Scarlet Devil Mansion
Shouldn´t she have done that first?

as she thinks in her head "Can't tell him the truth just yet, cause he won't understand but I can't stand to see no-body take care of this problem so I hope he does not get noticed or dies on me"
I  think it´d be pretty hard to not notice a vampire carrying a human across the sky.

and this starts how I Tsuko Aiko became part of and savior of SDM and Gensokyo.
And here he states how much of an overpowered Gary Stu he will be.

CHAPTER 1

"Tsuko-San!.." "Wake up Tsuko-San!!" I faintly hear from an unfamiliar voice as I barely can keep consciousness with my eyes closed.
This fanfiction is giving me a headache.

"Sakuya, please check him..." "I hope I didn't kill him"
It took me way too long to figure out who is speaking. That just shouldn´t be.

then I thought to myself... "Who is Sakuya?" as I felt great pain from being stabbed then
Well, no shit Sherlock. Of course you are in pain after being STABBED.

at that moment I heard "So you did bring him here" from another voice I did not recognize
Even if your character doesn´t know who they are, we do, since this is a FANFICTION. You should specify who is talking, you know.

with the song 'disturbed playing'
What the fuck? This is just random and unnecessary.

with someone saying "This sure describes you Remilia don't it?".

Unnecessary. And I doubt anyone cares enough to look up what song you are talking about. There are ways to do song fics, this isn´t it.

"He's moving" was shouted as I moved my hand to my face then proceeded to smack my face to fully wake-up.
I don´t know anyone who would wake themselves up that way, especially if they were in pain.

I slowly opened my eyes to see myself in a dim room with red walls and no windows and blood covered white sheets covering me.

I then look to my right to see a girl that is tall with whitish hair with double ponytails down the sides of her face and blue eyes whering a maid outfit that was blue with short skirt with a strap on her right leg with a small knife being held in it...

You should work on your descriptions.

"You look vary pretty miss" I told her while gasping for air from her Pina Coloda smelling body.
Okay, what the hell? This just sounds like something a complete neckbeard would say.
And Pina Coloda? How would she smell like that, considering that she´s in GENSOKYO?
Why are you smelling her in the first place? Seems like something out of a cliche romance anime.

I watched as she turn red and spawned a knife ready to cut me in embarrassment.

Appropriate reaction

"Not knife him(xD)" says Remilia
No one should be using emoticons in their stories.

"no need for him to get any worse... Sakuya; plus he is the first boy to actually complement you on your looks and not try to get in your pants lol".
Using net speak too? This is the shittiest thing I´ve ever read, and I´ve read a lot of bad fanfics. You are the kind of person that troll fanfictions parody.
On another note, I doubt Sakuya actually gives a fuck about that, and not like it would be a regular occurence AT ALL for boys to be trying to "get in her pants" ... the game has nothing to do with romance.

I looked at her and said with caution "You're Sakuya then, Nice to be greeted by such a lovey girl"

Obviously not cautious enough.

Remilia said while trying not to laugh "So I see you instantly started hitting on my maid" while she turned red from trying not to laugh.
OOC. Remilia would be pissed off.


Sakuya is now kinda pissed at me and she growled at me catching me by surprise as she mumbled "yeah say something now"
Again, appropriate reaction.


but with hoping for no knifing, I jokingly said "Oh growl at me baby, you know I like it"
Okay, hold up, what the fuck? Who talks to a stranger like this? This is disrespectful. I know if a random stranger talked to me like that I´d punch them in their face.

but my hope was to no avail and my face was punched in the face by a maids fist.
Wow, I must be a psychic. Seriously though this will most likely be the only action that makes sense in the entire story.

Remilia now on the floor laughing hysterically pounding fist on floor laughing at both Sakuya and I.

Everyone´s reaction to this shitty fanfic.

Sakuya and I said at the same time "What's so funny" then we snapped back with "Oh Hell no!" then again with "stop that" "it's creepy" she said shut up
So back off, bro. Continuing to "flirt" with her just makes your character look like a creep. Which you are.

at the same time as I said "Your sexy and you know it" while beat boxing to "Sexy and I know it"
"LOL IM SO RANDUM ECKS DEE"


and got my face punched in the face.
How does that work?

Sakuya told me "Now Shut up before I stab you!".
Best sentence in this entire story.

Remilia not calming down said " Well Tsuko is better.
How can he recover that fast from a stab wound?

Then another girl approached me with a white dress with blue skirt and black hat with peaches on it. She had long silky blue hair and red eyes but dimmer than remilia's eyes and she said with much enthusiasm " You will die here why not go somewhere safe?" with that she flung her hair with her left hand going away from her face and walked out.
What the fuck is Tenshi doing here? This is literally her ONLY appearance in the story so I see absolutely no reason as to why she was included at all.

Remilia said "well come join us for breakfast and I will show you around and tell you the real reason why I summoned you here"
I hope it´s to sacrifice him.

with that Remilia came over grabbed my hand and I blushed from not having my hand held by a girl
You´ve never held hands with a girl before? Wow, I wonder why!

as Sakuya and Remilia teleport to the dinning room with a feast like breakfast with 4 other people sitting at the table
-dining

as my signer mark glowed dimmly where one one noticed
Signer mark? After looking this up, this is a Yu-Gi-Oh thing. I don´t watch Yu-Gi-Oh so I can´t comment.

and we proceeded to have a breakfast of hot herbal tea and cookies..
Sakuay seated me and said "I do Apologize for hitting you our guest Tsuko but please don't do that to me"

Ignoring the typo, what the fuck? Why the change in attitude? Why is she being submissive to a guy who just treated her with absolute disrespect?

I thought "do what?"
You know damn well what you did, fuckboy.

then Sakuya gave me a fresh cup of tea boiled with spring water and eucalyptus flowers.
Should have poisoned it or poured it on him.

"This is how a 'maid' welcome any guest chosen to stay awhile by my master Remilia" said Sakuya as she walked away still a bit red from what I told her;
Again, I don´t see why anyone is being submissive to your character. They all could kick your ass easily. And I cannot believe how rude you are being to your hosts. It´s not your place, show some respect.

but I knew in my heart Remilia was keeping something, because she had that look of hiding something so I stated out loud for her to hear "What is the real reason why you summoned me hear? A being such as yourself does not call just some random guy." and with that everyone stared; looking at us both as Remilia glared at me as if she got caught dead in her tracks
So it will be a sacrifice? I should get my popcorn.

CHAPTER 3 (Chapter 2 was apparently skipped because it was "too important" )

As Dark Sakuya's blood covered danmaku card is reveled it show an evil seal only mentioned in ancient Scrolls.
Wait what? Then again chapter 2 or not I have a feeling I still wouldn´t understand this story.

Remilia gasp as she read it off. "Orichalcos no Kekkai"

And we´re supposed to know what the fuck that is?
Edit : Okay, look. It isn´t a matter of language so I would appreciate it if people would stop twisting my words. What I meant is that if we don´t watch Yu Gi Oh, we won´t know what it is.
It doesn´t matter what language it is. WE STILL CAN´T FIGURE IT OUT BASED ON THREE WORDS.

then at that moment Dark Sakuya activated its dark power.
"Oh you know this power M'lady hahahaha"
m´lady -tips fedora-

Spoiler:

"Sakuya No" but my plead was to no avail as  the green ring with lettering rotated and  then on the ground around us formed a light green wall as the 6 pointed star came to fruition
This doesn´t help explain anything

Remilia tried bending fate to stop it and flandre tried blowing it up but to there surprise it did not work, not even a dent on the wall.
Okay, look man. I get that you mixed universes but you´ve forgotten the most important thing. This is still GENSOKYO. This means that the Touhou girls would be the most powerful here, not your stupid Gary Stu OC.
It also means that everyone would have a chance of fighting back.


"How is this possible!!!, my manipulation of fate should have stopped this!!!" Remilia then panics
She should have indeed been able to fight it. Again, it´s Gensokyo.

"When the Seal of Orichalcos is played it can not be destroyed or over run until.." I sputtered as Dark Sakuya finishes

Whatever.

"there is a loser and the loser loses there vary soul to the great beast! and in this case he will die for being a signer!! mwahahahaha"
I am not following.

Remilia Cried and wondered "Please don't die Tsuko... I need you"
Why the hell does Remilia need another human? There is, again, absolutely NO explanation as to why she should even care about this guy in the first place... let alone CRYING over him. I don´t know who the fuck you think Remilia and Flandre are, but they are very strong vampires. Sakuya is a very strong human who isolated herself from humanity due to her ability to manipulate time.   The fact you took away all their strength and made them act all "kawaii" and "uguu" so your OC can look like some glorious hero makes me furious. This is why I left the Touhou fandom. These girls can kick your ass, especially when you are in THEIR UNIVERSE.

"Dark being, I will not let you do this to Sakuya!, even if it means I have to die with you then so be it!"
Ah, such glorious whiteknighting :´D

then after I said that I pulled out a danmaku that  holds a multi-colored portal with 2 orbs light nearing the center
"I Activate my power! Hugo (fusion)..."
Ugh. I absolutely hate how you make no effort to explain what this has to do with the TOUHOU UNIVERSE.

"as it maybe true that nothing can actually go in and out but what can not be seen by the eye can so I fuse my body with Remilia's..."

Please no.

then the portal became real as our bodies flew in.
"What's are we... what's going on!!!!"
Did Remilia even CONSENT to this? Oh wait, I forgot, this is your self insert and you view women as sex objects and act like you are above them so...

I then spit out as we fuse:
"Bloody Eternal moon and sacred creature now go hand in hand, watch as the Scarlet Eyes fuses with Signer power to form the one and the only!..."
our new body floats down with angel wings and vampire teeth dripping with blood as we now speak in unicen from one body
I feel like I am reading a "My Immortal" fanfiction.

"Fusion Summoning Arts show you... Tsumilia - The ultimate Vampiric Being"
You sure are full of yourself, huh? No wait, don´t answer that, of course you are. Arrogant bastard.

the roof gets town off the mansion as the winds get stronger and then starts raining blood as red as scarlet crystals.
Darkness, blood, death and bones...

"Get your game on Dark Being!" as we point our finger at her
Everyone now in shock now can't beleave what happened and a burst of energy blasted through all of Gensokyo and space and beyond as we smiled.
I don´t watch Yu-Gi-Oh but I´m positive that is overpowered.

Remi says in own mind to me "I feel the powers now throbbing in my whole well being.. is this fusion" and then I think to her that is but the only answer to the problem
Finally, it´s over.
Well... what can I say? This is the worst thing I have ever read in my life.
I´m really sad to inform all of you that this adult man was 100% serious while writing it.
This guy has to be the most childish and sad person I have ever seen too. He is a pedophile and pretty much hits on anyone who is a girl.
I just... I can´t believe he decides to act like I´m an idiot, when he obviously is just projecting.
Go back to google translating Japanese and acting like you know everything.
Hell, throw your god-damned story into google translate all you want and then talk about how you "translated" it.
Keep it off my forum though, we don´t need scum like you here =)

-15 / 10 You didn´t try at all.